I’ve been wondering what make us, women, to give in to sex without love. I’m not talking about the sex that as an adult woman I can gladly indulge occasionally, but the sex that we are willing to give and take when we crave for something deeper or simply, something else.
Sometimes when I’m on the street I look around me to all the anonymous women and I feel desperate to know if they have ever sabotage themselves as I’m doing now. I wonder how many of us are sleeping with men in exchange of some human warmth, how many of us we are willing to sacrifice the gift of love to instead receive the gift of pleasure in a moment when we need a lot more than that.
When do we go from feeling alive by experiencing with our sexuality for purely selfish reasons to feeling death by doing it to feel loved? When have we started accepting that a fuck does not equal making love and still be conformist with it and most important, when have we stopped loving ourselves to be loved by someone who won’t?
I can succeed in my life, become a confident woman and mostly try to stay afloat in a complicated world; I can fill my years with achievements or little regrets and look forward to my life maintaining to a minimum the inevitable quick glance to the past. As I keep walking and building my life in the best way I can afford to, I suddenly become weak and a feeling of not enoughness evolve me, it feels almost like a physical discomfort, I crave for that one thing that I can not build and then I do it, I sleep with this one man who takes from me all the pleasure my body can fabricate for the moment. I gladly give in and I fuck and get fucked, I experience an explosion of pleasure and my brain stops if only momentarily resonating why I am, once again, in this situation.
After the high comes a very low because there is nothing after this. Nothing. Physically our bodies remain relatively close for a little while, the warmth and sweat slowing disappearing and while the physical distance is very short, mentally he’s already gone while I’m still right here waiting. The realization hits me hard and this post nothingness hurts terribly and as I lie there I wonder, when have I start to give so much of myself in exchange of nothing?
But today I’m taking a pledge because I wish for my life to be full of things that matter and this nothingness that is born in those moments comes with a massive weigh of everything that should be not relevant in my life. I will no longer be a body that has left its dignity behind in the pursuit of something that now I know may come in the shape of anything but sex with someone who does not care about me but just my body in moments of primitive desire.