I’ve been wondering what make us women, to give in to sex without love. I’m not talking about the sex that as an adult women we can gladly indulge occasionally, but the one we’re willing to give and take when we crave for something deeper or simply, something else.
Sometimes when I’m on the street I look around me to all the anonymous women and I feel desperate to know if they have ever sabotage themselves as I’m doing now. I wonder how many of us are sleeping with men in exchange of human warmth, how many of us we are willing to sacrifice the gift of true love for the gift of pleasure in a moment when we need a lot more than that.
When do we go from feeling alive by experiencing with our sexuality purely for enjoyment to feeling death inside by doing it in exchange for something that looks like love? When have we started accepting that a fuck does not equal love making and still be conformist with it and most important, when have we stopped loving ourselves to love someone who won’t love us back?
I can succeed in my life, become a confident woman trying to stay afloat in an ambitious world; I can fill my years with achievements and few regrets and look forward to my life maintaining to a minimum the inevitable quick glance to the past. As I keep walking and building my life in the best way I can afford to, I suddenly become weak and a feeling of not being enough evolves me, it feels almost like a physical discomfort. I crave for that one thing that no hard work or ambition will bring me and then I do it, I sleep with this one man who drains from me all the pleasure my body can fabricate for the moment. I gladly give in and I lose myself in the explosion of pleasure. All of a sudden my brain stops if only momentarily wondering why I am, once again, in this situation.
After the high comes a very low because there is nothing after this, nothing. Physically our bodies remain relatively close for a little while, the warmth and sweat slowing disappearing and while the physical distance is very short, mentally he’s already gone while I’m still holding tight, making the moment last before is gone forever. The realisation hits me hard until a nothingness takes over hurting terribly and as I lie there I wonder, when have I start to give so much of myself in exchange of nothing?
But today I’m taking a pledge because I want my life to flow with things that matter and get rid of the feeling of nothingness that are born in those moments where I’m weak and thirsty for love.
I will no longer be a body that leaves his dignity behind in the pursuit of something that now I know can come in the shape of moments of simplicity, travels and friendships instead of sex with someone who only cares about my body in random moments of primitive desire.