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My purpose in life

mymy

 

I’m sitting in my room and I’m doing this a lot lately. The spot where I sit varies; I go from my bed to the floor and then to the window and I keep doing this identical round for hours. I don’t just sit still, I keep my laptop on my lap and thoughts on my mind at all times. We, the three of us, are a team. We don’t coordinate ourselves very well yet, it seems a distant goal. Theoretically, we should be able to coordinate easily as our qualities match, we need and require from each other to accomplish something.

I have capabilities and creativity, my brain capacity to formulate and action thoughts and my laptop a keyboard and memory to process all the earlier and give it a permanent shape but yet, we don’t coordinate well.

As I sit here surrounded by papers that frustrate me more that motivate me, I wonder what’s failing. The objective of me sitting here for hours is a failed try to become again a grown-up by creating (or so they say) a life history called Curriculum Vitae that supposedly describes the person I am and yet, there’s nothing of the real me in it because so far I have spent my life in jobs that have not given me any real life purpose.

You see, I have spent several months travelling and I never wanted to come back but I did, at some point things happened that confused me, every small self-doubt growing into giant dimensions surely based on the fact that I found myself alone several thousands of miles away from familiar territory for several months. Influenced by a overwhelming feeling of loneliness  I thought returning would be the right thing to do, almost like a good idea, if only I would have spent longer thinking about it.

Either way, while I traveled this time as when I did before, I met, bumped to, spoke, crossed paths and exchanged words with lots of very creative people. I cannot think of anything else more inspiring or sense awakening other than travelling because of the chances or even privilege to meet people that took the difficult steps to get out of their comfort zone. Bloggers like myself, freelancers, digital nomads, addict volunteers, hippies, vegans, yogis and many more; a whole bunch of picturesque colorful people who managed to arrive and eventually, to stay.

A hobby of mine is to observe people, not in a voyeuristic kind of way but more in a “I really want to know how you got to this point in your life” kind of way. Have you ever observed people around you without being judgmental? It is a pretty awesome way of learning that what makes us all different is  also what makes the world a fascinating place. And so observing here and there, I realized that many of those people whom a part of society would define them as lost, to me they seemed just the opposite; that they have finally found themselves because they have found their purpose in life.

As I spoke with many of them, I found common grounds that pushed them to search for that purpose; time to enjoy the things they like, freedom to do the things that fulfill them but most of all, willingness to do all the above. These people don’t look back, instead they work towards building the life they want and they are not afraid of taking risks. They set their own goals.

As I write these lines, I’m thinking and celebrating all the people out there that aren’t afraid to break the chains with the first world rat race and work to create goals for and to themselves. They own their personal and professional achievements instead of these being buried under the success of a corporate world that grows with your help but gives you full invisibility. They own what they gain.

Ironically, I’m writing about people that I admire and yet, I spend hours typing about myself for a life I don’t want.

A friend I haven’t seen in a long time just wrote me an email this morning. He told me he enjoyed a lot reading my blog posts while I was travelling because they allowed him to dream through them and ended his email saying that maybe I’m not happy trying to find a job that doesn’t seem to exist because this is not my purpose in life.

And here I am sitting with my team brain and laptop and as I’m writing these lines, I’m trying to figure out what is my life purpose and I’m confused and terrified because I can start hearing a voice that is as subtle as it is loud telling me that this is not my purpose in life and as I’m thinking what, how and when, a sentence someone said to me recently is playing in my mind obsessively;

“Hell on earth: meeting the person you could have been”

What about you? Do you know what your purpose in life is?

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Comments

  1. It’s amazing the wsy you write. I love it.
    I can see myself in a lot of the things you say, so i do understand that feeling of “terror” we have when it seems that no matter how far we go, we don’t get anywhere.
    Keep trying, don’t surrender. And please, keep writing.

    • Thanks so much, Alicia. I’m glad you can relate to my words because I think this is an universal feeling and hard path to take. I won’t surrender and neither do you!

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